Paranoid Android
Dołączył: 02 Paź 2005
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 Wysłany: Śro 15:38, 16 Lis 2005 Temat postu: Three Words: Hi La Rious. Happily Ever After |
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kocham The Guardian:
Happily ever after
As the ending of the new film adaptation of Pride and Prejudice is changed to provide eight minutes of extra schmaltz for its American release, Stuart Jeffries rethinks a few other closing scenes
Wednesday November 16, 2005
The Guardian
Casablanca
In the original, Rick resigns himself to a life in Casablanca without the love of his life, Ilsa.
[Rick (Humphrey Bogart) and Louis (Claude Rains) walk across the runway Tarmac.] Rick Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Louis Me too, Rick. So what are we going to do about it? [The Marseillaise stops abruptly on the soundtrack.] Rick Why, Louis, I'm going to kiss you. Kiss you harder than any Frenchmen has ever been kissed. Louis I'd like that. I'd like it a lot. [They embrace. The Marseillaise starts up again. Behind them, a parachutist descends. It is Ilsa (Ingrid Bergman).] Ilsa Rick - I changed my mind! I've come back. For you! A girl can't live only on memories when she hungers for the lips of the only man who ever made her happy. Oh - what are you doing? Darling, that's disgusting! Rick [breaking away from Louis] Ilsa, honey, I can explain. Ilsa Can you, Rick? Can you really? Rick No. I guess not. All I can do is kiss you. Kiss you harder than any Swedish woman has ever been kissed. Ilsa I'd like that. I'd like it a lot. [They embrace.] Louis [bitterly, spitting on to the tarmac] Ever thought of Listerine, Rick? Rick Can't say I have, Louis. Can't say I have.
The Italian Job
In the original, the film ends with the bus full of gold dangling over the precipice.
Charlie (Michael Caine) Hang on, lads, I've got a great idea. Gangster 1 Yeah? What is it? Charlie I turn on the engine. We all sit exactly where we are until the petrol runs out, which changes the equilibrium. We all jump out and the gold goes over the cliff. At the bottom is the mafia, waiting for the gold. Wallop. Job done. Gangster 2 That is the most stupid idea I've ever heard. Gangster 1 [producing a mobile from his pocket]: Or we could just call in the cavalry ... [Minutes later, a helicopter hovers over them. At the controls is Professor Peach (Benny Hill), flanked by a bevvy of lovelies. The girls slide down guy ropes which they hook to the bus. The bus is winched to the terrace of a villa, where the boys celebrate with a poolside party.] Charlie [two ladies draped around him] Hang on, lads. Didn't we forget something? Gangster 1 The gold! Gangster 2 Where did we leave it? Girl Why, in my bikini top. Charlie Give it back. Girl You'll have to catch me first. [The Benny Hill music starts up as the boys chase the girls around the pool, laughingly uncontrollably.]
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
In the original, the boys, we are left to assume, are killed in a shootout.
[Butch and Sundance are holed up in a barn surrounded by Bolivian soldiers.] Butch Way I figure it, we can either fight or give. If we give, we go to jail. Sundance Yeah, well I bin to jail already. Plus, Old Ma Kid didn't raise no sissy. [Wordlessly, they load their guns looking meaningfully into each other's eyes.] Butch I've always loved you, Sundance. Sundance And I you, Butch. Butch So are we gonna do this thing or what? Sundance Let's roll. [They rush out, guns blazing. In the next few minutes, hundreds of moustachioed soldiers fall dead into the Bolivian dust, shot by Butch, Sundance and a mysterious masked woman who appears from nowhere armed with two pistols.] Sundance Is that you, Etta? Etta You bet your ass! Sundance But, I thought ... Etta You thought a lot of things. Butch You saved our asses! Etta That was just for starters. Now I'm looking for some dessert. Sundance I've no idea what that means ... Etta Just kiss me, stupid. [He kisses her, slaveringly.] Etta I said, "Kiss me, stupid", not "Kiss me stupidly". Butch Hey, you guys - get a room! [All three start laughing and, as they pick their way through the corpses, Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head starts up.]
E.T.
In the original, ET goes home.
[In the night-time forest, ET sadly looks up, vainly looking for his ride home.] Elliott You could be happy here. I could take care of you. ET [shaking weirdo head sadly] Must go home. [Next morning, Elliott wakes up and, noticing ET has returned to his home planet, starts sobbing.] Mom What's all the ruckus, Elliott? Elliott I love you, mommy. Mom And I love you, Elliot. Elliott And I love ET, too. Mom Look, it's time for breakfast. We're having waffles. And an old friend has come along special. [In the kitchen ET and some alien friends are making an adorable mess as they try to get the waffle iron to work.] Elliott But, ET, I thought ... ET [splashed with batter] ET go home to get family. Now ET at home! Elliott I love you, ET! ET ET have no concept of love. Me just like waffles. [Everybody - including the aliens and the family dog - laughs uncontrollably.]
Love Story
In the original, she dies.
[Jenny is dying in hospital. Oliver is at her bedside, crying.] Jenny Would you do something for me, preppy? Oliver Anything, doll face. Jenny Would you hold me one last time? [He holds her.] Jenny There's one thing I wanted to tell you. Oliver What? Jenny I always hated you in corduroy. [She dies. Oliver stands up tearfully and speaks to the camera.] Oliver What can you say about a 25-year-old girl who died? [He looks off camera, wistfully.] One time she said to me, "Love means never having to say you're sorry." [Behind him, Jenny is stirring.] I guess we'll never know if that's true. Jenny [reviving] Love means what? Oliver Never having to say you're sorry. Jenny That's the dumbest thing ever! I never said that! Oliver Didn't you? Jenny I'm so mad at you right now! Oliver [provocatively]: Don't be. They say make-up sex is the best sex. Jenny [melting] Do they? [They embrace. Oliver's erstwhile estranged father enters.] Dad Oliver, I've decided not to disinherit you after all. Why - Jenny! You're better! [They laugh, then Jenny kisses the newly rich Oliver more passionately than ever.]
The Blair Witch Project
In the original, we are to assume, the three film-makers are killed in the old house in the woods.
[Mike arrives at the cellar steps.] Mike Josh, is that you down there!? Heather [in the distance] Mike! MIKE! [Mike descends into the basement.] Mike Oh God. Josh? [Camera is knocked to the ground. It autofocuses on the cellar floor. Cut to Heather, now reaching the cellar steps.] Heather MIKE! [Screams] MIKE! [Reaches bottom of the steps. Mike is standing facing the far corner.] Heather MIKE! MIKE! NO!! OH GOD, NO!! HELP! AHHH!!! [The film jitters. Cut to screening cinema.] Producer 1 Is it me or did that suck? Producer 2 Like, where's the witch? Producer 3 Three words - De Press Ing. Three losers get lost in the freaking woods. [Josh, Heather and Mike are sitting in the back row, their eyes roll.] Producer 1 Here's my idea. We reshoot the ending with Kathy Bates as the witch. Producer 2 Scooby and Shaggy find the kids in the cellar. Producer 3 And Wilma unmasks the witch who turns into Old Man Jones. Producer 2 And he says, "I'd have got away with it, if it hadn't been for you darned kids." Producer 1 Gentlemen, now we have a movie!
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